Saturday, February 24, 2007

The 10 Best Moments from RENO 911!

http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=1642

10 POLICE TEK 2000 CONSENT CARD
SEASON 3 Can't keep track of which teenagers you're allowed to have sex with? Does the Reno County PD ever have a product for you! It's a wallet sized card featuring the legal age of consent in all 50 of the United States. (Only 14 in Idaho! That's true! We looked it up on Wikipedia!) In this parody of a PSA, Officer Garcia and Deputy Junior try to come up with a plausible scenario in which the card would be useful, and end up describing what sounds like a pretty good Saturday night.




9 JONES AND GARCIA KILL A CHILD
SEASON 1 Responding to a call of kids trespassing on a roof, the shittiest duo of cops ever assembled finds a group of wannabe BMX bikers that want to jump their rides over a ramp from one roof to the next. Always ones for a friendly wager, they produce a whopping eight bucks and bet the leader of the pack he can't make the jump. He doesn't, and plummets to his death. Nothing says funny like a dead kid in an alley…. Jones: "Should we call a medic?" Garcia" "No. Hell no."




8 WIEGEL BONDS WITH A PRISONER
SEASON 4 Before she has to guard the inmate Spanish Mike (Oscar Nuñez from " The Office"), Wiegel is warned to watch out for his sexual advances. But once they get talking, she finds the criminal to be a vulnerable, needy man with major mommy issues. "I never knew the taste of my mother's breast," he says, which really tugs on her heartstrings. And though Wiegel wants to open the door and hug Spanish Mike's pain away, she overcomes her nurturing instincts in favor of her duty to the force.




7 POLICE TEK 2000 RAPE SHIELD UNDERGARMENTS COMMERCIAL
SEASON 4 As with the Consent Card, just the idea of the Reno Police Department creating and marketing products is enough to crack us up. And with the Rape Shield Undergarment, a remote-controlled heavy-duty chastity belt, they might even inspire the good people at the QVC. Throughout the ad, Clementine's facial expressions are a constant source of hilarity, especially after she asks Dangle, "Are you saying I got raped last night?" But the clip's finest line is probably the duo's twist on an old maxim: "Rape me once, shame on you. Rape me twice, shame on me." Jokes aside, the best part about buying a Rape Shield is the bargain—it pays for itself after two nights of not being raped.




6 I HOPE YOU GOT A MAGICAL POTION FOR HOT LEAD
SEASON 2 At the scene of a Dungeons & Dragons game gone bad, the offending geek (Patton Oswalt) explains why he unloaded his longbow into his friend's shoulder. It gets more insane when Junior—a closeted D&D expert—agrees with the geek, "Oh, well there's only the three points protection there." The geek continues, "I live in a world of cold steel and dungeons." Garcia agrees, although his dungeon is at the Reno County Jail with its own dragon, Nick the Grip. The geek tries to flee with his "boots of escaping," but Garcia's pumps a "bullet of stopping" into his back.




5 GARCIA PUTS DOWN A DOG
SEASON 2 Responding to a sobbing man's pleas that his cancer ridden dog is suffering, Deputy Garcia (Carlos Alazraqui) does what appears to be the humane thing, giving the pooch a hilarious, "Hey buddy, how you doing?" before squeezing off a round into it's head Old Yeller-style. The man's plot to get rid of his neighbor's dog is brilliant, as is Garcia's frenzied, deer-in-the-headlights reaction.




4 THE BEST DUI STOP EVER
SEASON 1 As Deputy Clementine Johnson (Wendi McLendon-Covey, who we interview today) puts an audibly slurring drunk through the standard sobriety tests, it becomes increasingly clear that the suspect is the type of drunk we all think we are: one who gets more lucid, instead of more impaired, with each drink. He rattles off the alphabet backwards quicker than any non MENSA member could say it forwards, turns a simple line walk into a Zoolander-worthy strut and executes a dance move called the "barrel roll" with accuracy that'd tear most men's crotch, before admitting that he normally can't dance—he's "just drunk."




3 SENSITIVITY TRAINING FOR TRUDY
SEASON 1 In one of their daily meetings, Lt. Jim "Short Pants" Dangle (Thomas Lennon) reviews acceptable language with his team of top-notch law enforcement officers. A conversation about the appropriateness of the N-word starts off relatively civilized: Garcia notes that he watches "the BET," and that "them fellas use it all the time," and Jones (Cedric Yarborough) inquires, "I don't use it, but if I wanted to, could I?" So far, so good. Chiming in on the discussion, Trudy (Kerri Kenney) innocently asks, "What if someone says, ‘Which ni**er took the last donut?'" Umm… Lt. Dangle? "That's wildly inappropriate."




2 LA-SINGLE MOMS CLASS (with Paul Rudd)
SEASON 4 The highly underrated Paul Rudd, who worked with State alums on Wet Hot American summer, is back with a hilarious cameo as Guy, Trudy's Lamaze teacher. This clip is pretty standard Reno fair up until Rudd shows up, at which point things jump up a notch or two. We've always respected how Reno handles its cameos. Instead of going for star wattage (Tonight on Will and Grace, Britney Spears!) they go with the novel approach of using people who are actually funny. This scene shows exactly why that's a good idea.




1 WE'VE GOT A RUNNER!
SEASON 2 Garcia and Jones heckle a kid in a yellow milkshake costume until he chucks an actual shake at their car, starting the greatest giant beverage-related chase scene ever committed to film. One of Reno's most hilarious sub-plots, the recurring, episode-long chase includes rabid dogs, an ingenious underwater escape by the shake and a final truce near a highway, where the shake tells Garcia and Jones that his suit's so thick he actually doesn't feel anything. Garcia and Jones gleefully test the shake's theory by wailing on him Rodney King-style. A few parting laughs later, the shake gets obliterated by a speeding truck.

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